Squire of Dimness ([email protected])
Sat, 12 Dec 1998 02:58:34 -0600 (CST)
ok, so today was a very very bad day. :P i didn't see the legends thing,
for reasons too numerous to mention. anyway, i was thinking about U2 a
lot today, as i often do when i'm down and depressed and pissed off and
stuff. and today was definitely one of those days.
so i'm checking wire and everyone's posting about their big emotional u2
stuff, and since i've been crying pretty much all damn day, i figure, why
stop now. :) so on we go...
i know i've said it before, but i really don't remember hearing a specific
song at a specific time that makes me think "thank god i'm a fan, it was
THAT moment that did it"....i mean, by the time i had moments that music
helped me get through, i was already a huge u2 fan so it was kind of
unavoidable that the music be theirs. anyway. i remember listening to
them throughout my childhood. ;) big happy thoughts there...
then, when i got into high school....i started HS in 1989, and i believe
that after Joshua tree and rattle & hum (even though i've always LOVED
R&H) i was going through my...well, my "i hate u2" phase. *hides eyes*
shameful, i know. ah well. so anyway.
then, it was 1991 and the buzz was up that there was a new album from our
boys. which i thought could be interesting. i had a friend (didn't we
all?) who was a huge life-long fan, and we were both very interested in
the new album. and then "the fly" video was released. and i saw it. and
i thought, "WHY THE FUCK IS EDGE WEARING SHINY PANTS??!!" and "BONO NEEDS
TO PUT ON A SHIRT OR SOMETHING." i know, i know...blasphemy. *shrug*
sue me. anyway, i was less than impressed. of course, i bought the album
anyway, duh. or maybe i got it for my birthday or christmas or something?
i actually have no idea...anyway, i got it. and, well, wow.
i took that tape with me EVERYWHERE. my sophomore year in high school we
had found out my father had non-hodgkin's lymphoma. i didn't tell anyone
for a really long time, and i tried to be, you know, the STRONG one and
just deal with it on my own and stuff. and then this album came along,
and holy shit. it was my solace, my comfort, my friend. ultraviolet,
acrobat, zoo station, tryin' to throw your arms around the
world....beginning to end, it had me. i literally carried the tape with
me everywhere (didn't have a CD player yet. ;P )....even if i wasn't
anywhere near a tape recorder or didn't have my walkman, that tape was in
my bag. i think every fold of the cassette booklet thingie has at least 4
layers of tape on it at this point. i have no idea how many dr. pepper's
i spilled on it at burger king that year....or how many times i barely
saved it from the hell that broken tapes go to (or is it heaven?)....
i remember being in the car with my parents on our 1 1/2 drive to the
hospital where my dad had chemotherapy (damn HMO bastards. don't EVEN get
me started) just sitting in the back corner of our 1989 mercury sable
curled up listening to AB on my walkman with the cassette liner spread out
on the seat next to me....wondering if we were going to have to stop the
car on the way home so my dad could vomit or if he'd even be awake or
conscious when my mom and i came back to pick him up (some of his
treatments were 4 or 5 hours long, and they weren't even the bad ones. my
mom wouldn't even let me go with for the really bad ones.) i was _16_ and
i had no idea what was going on, really....i didn't know if any of this
was doing any good, or if he was going to be around to see me graduate
from HS, or what difference anything made at all. i didn't know why this
was happening to MY dad for christ's sake....he was my DAD, you know?
what i did know was that maybe if i played that tape one more time, or
twelve, or 82 more times....maybe something would change, things would
get better. the music would always be there, anyway. "baby baby baby
light my way..." "had a feeling that i saw dali..." "you miss too much
these days if ya stop to think...." "ON YER KNEES BOY..."
yeah. that was my life. those songs. i lived and died on the knowledge
that he would always be in the garden, playing the tart. kissing my lips
and breaking my heart. and it got me through. and ever since then there
hasn't been a moment when i doubted their power. i mean, yeah, there are
songs i don't like, or moments where you just go, "NEXT!"...but the truth
is, i will ALWAYS respect the power they have. because in a world of
bands and people in general who just don't seem to get it, there's 4 of
them, together, in the same place, who absolutely do. and that's why i'm
still here. in more ways than one, i guess....
i know that no matter what it sounds like, there is ALWAYS ALWAYS _ALWAYS_
something behind a u2 song, something big, something important. i mean, i
guess i wasn't 20 seconds away from OD'ing on some drug cocktail or
jumping off a bridge, but i was on the edge of the end of my world just
the same.
i feel like i'm rambling, but i also feel like i don't care. i've had a
hell of a day, and i needed to think about something that makes me happy.
although i'm still crying, so i'm not sure how it helped. :P anyway,
thanks. thanks wire, thanks to my friends, thanks to my family
('specially my dad, who's been in remission for 5 years now -- you knew
there had to be a happy ending somewhere...), BIG thanks to u2, and BIG
HUGE thanks to god, without whom.... ;)
love,
mia.
(wow, some people would probably pay money to see me actually, reverently,
seriously thanking god for something. like my mother for one...)
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Mia K York
aspiring journalist, full-time nuisance
Hang ten, hang ten, honey,
I gotta get me one of those...
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